When missing you
by That-Hamster-Wheel
Summary: [Complete] He fell to the ground and I watched him die. My heart won't settle down and it's been weeks. Eddie watches Jamie die and she can't shake the images, because she truly loved him. Dedicated to JamkoRules over on tumblr.
1. Heart won't settle down

A/N: Please listen to When missing you by Cold Rush & Jo Cartwright, while reading. This is a songfic of sorts.

She remembered it like it was yesterday. They had been on a night tour and it was near pitch black, save for the few street lights on the street. They had been patrolling the streets, when out of nowhere gunfire. Jamie had been a bit ahead of her, wanting to protect her as the senior officer. Now she regretted letting him walk ahead of her. Jamie fell to the ground and bled out rapidly. Eddie fired back at the attacker and killed him, but she couldn't save Jamie. He was too far gone and he had lost too much blood. She got to him just as he uttered "Goodbye.", and then he shut his eyes for the final time. It was heart wrenching and she screamed at the top of her lungs. She couldn't see to focus on the scene, but she remembered calling it in and saying officer dead. She remembered thinking about Jamie's Dad and how heartbroken he would be. Losing two sons to this life, that must be hard.

Eddie woke up from another nightmare and she cried. She turned on her iPod on her docking station, and out blared the song When missing you by Cold Rush. She continued to let out the tears and sobbing noises, as her body shook from the sadness and the pain of her nightmare. The lyrics pierced her heart and spoke to her. Every time she woke up she played this song and every time she was alone. 'I loved him, and he died. I couldn't save him.' Eddie thought.

 _What a crazy year it's been  
So much I could not have seen  
Coming my way  
On my path  
So much hurting on the line  
So much sadness comes to mind  
I'm still here_

She continued to lay there and just listen to the music. She had the song on repeat, she couldn't get up and move around. She just wanted it all to be a bad dream, to wake up and maybe find her Jamie next to her. Life was cruel and she knew he was never coming back, and she would never get to tell him how much she loved him. "Heart won't settle down." Eddie sang with the song.

 _The heart won't settle down  
When missing you  
Heart won't quiet down  
The loving you  
Missing you  
I'm missing you_

She continued to sing in a sad voice and she just broke. 'Jamie I need you. Why did you have to leave me? Please come back. I love you and I need you.'

Eddie was a mess and she was too far broken to ever be fixed. She looked at the world through a new pair of eyes and her view was darker. "Jamie's never coming back and I'm going to be alone forever." Eddie said in a flat sounding voice. She turned off her iPod and went back to sleep, having another nightmare of Jamie dying. The cycle would never end.


	2. No one like you

A/N: The songs used in this chapter are No one like you by Craig Connelly & Jennifer Rene, When we collide by Simon Bostock & Becca White, Adventure of a lifetime by Coldplay. . /5bba7d575ed3979910d34f2e0b041058/tumblr_niezn14JZ11tflv5co1_ Is the photo used.

A month later, they asked Eddie to clean out Jamie's locker, and she was struggling. She had talked to Jamie's Dad earlier in the week, and had gotten permission to keep everything in his locker, with the exception of his off-duty piece and his badge. She wasn't shocked by the contents of his locker, it was much like her own. She started moving things to a large file box, and smiled as she remembered memories with him.

She found a small container of vick's vapor rub and remembered the first time Jamie had introduced her to it. They had been driving this really smelly hobo, and Eddie was feeling nauseous. Jamie had been driving and not even reacting, and she had asked if he could even smell it. He had replied that he couldn't and passed her a small container of vick's and gestured to under his nose. She had remembered the smell so clearly even now. She opened the container and she rubbed some under her nose before placing it in the box.

She found a hoodie with his shield number on the arm, and she slipped it over her head and wore it. She thought of all the times he had worn it after work, and how she had longed to own it. Now she did, but she didn't want it to be like this. "Is that an iPod?" Eddie wondered aloud.

She reached deep into the top shelf and produced an iPod. At first she thought it was Joe's, but then she remembered his was an older model. She found that a pair of headphones were attached, beckoning her to give the device a listen. She looked through the playlist's and found the usual ones. Workout music and quiet evening in music, but what surprised her the most was a playlist labeled Songs that remind me of Eddie. She pressed play and the first song was No one like you by Jennifer Rene. Eddie smiled as the beautiful vocals sang into her ears. "Beautiful." Eddie whispered.

Eddie continued to listen to the playlist as she finished emptying Jamie's locker. She had found Joe's iPod and made a mental note to see if anyone in the family wanted to keep it. The music varied on the playlist. At first it was a bit of trance, and beautiful vocals, and Eddie loved that. Becca white's When we collide was currently playing and Eddie really identified with the lyrics. When her and Jamie collided they were beautiful.

Then it turned into Coldplay and Eddie felt at home. They had both shared a love of Coldplay, and it felt like Jamie was standing right next to her sharing the headphones. "Oh Jamie... I love you." Eddie cried as she listened to Adventure of a lifetime by Coldplay.

Eddie placed a few photos of them together in the box and remembered when they had asked random passersby to snap photos of them in uniform and street clothes. One such occasion Eddie couldn't stop laughing, and Jamie said something about how she was supposed to just smile. In the end they both laughed in the photo and it turned out hilarious.

She loved her big laughing smile in this photo. Jamie was giving her bunny ears and she adored him for it. A tear fell onto his sweater as she put the photo into the box. "Jamie I still need you. Why... why you." Eddie was so frustrated and upset and sleep deprived.

She finished emptying the locker and took the box to her car and left the precinct. Broken hearted and shattered to pieces, she went home to hide in her bed.


	3. Break me down and I won't care

A/N: The song Broken heart by Radu Sirbu can be enjoyed along with this chapter.

Eddie was eating sunday dinner with the Reagans, and it was really rough. They had all taken her under their wing, because they knew Jamie's death had hit her hard. She had picked at her food again, and ate a little bit of it. She had lost a significant bit of weight and Erin was really worried about her. She had discussed this with Frank a few days ago. "Dad she's really thin. She hardly eats, and when she does it's very little. I'm concerned she'll get very sick. How can you let her work, if she's so malnourished." Erin said.

"She's a real fighter, she'll come around." Was all Frank said regarding the matter.

Today at dinner she ate more than usual, for Grandpa had made a hearty stew and Eddie seemed to love his stews. She had just finished her stew, when she remembered the time that Jamie and her had shared leftovers of this same stew, for lunch on a monday. She bolted from the table and upstairs, into Jamie's old room. Jamie had always said it was right at the top of the stairs, on the left. She hid under the covers and sobbed. "Dad can I talk to you." Erin said.

Erin and Frank went to the study to have a chat. "Something's really wrong with her. She ate more today, but did you see the way she bolted from the room. I bet she's in Jamie's old room." Erin said.

"This is very troubling. I'm not quite sure what to do about this. She seems to be taking this harder than normal." Frank noted.

"Dad I don't think they were just partners. I think something happened between them. I think they shared a kiss and may have had feelings for each other. Those rules kept them apart." Erin commented.

"The rules prevented a lot of things, but now it hurt my son and the woman he so clearly loved. She's in love with him, anyone can see it and she is so hurt, she loved him." Frank said.

"I'll go check on her. Just cover at the table. If Grandpa asks tell him privately later. I'm sure Danny already knows." Erin said.

Erin left and went upstairs, to go find Eddie. Sure enough she was exactly where she had predicted. "Eddie please come out." Erin said as she sat in the chair by the bed.

"No. The bed smells like him. I don't want to leave." Eddie said through her tears.

"Will you at least talk to me?" Erin asked.

"I guess." Eddie reluctantly gave in.

"Tell me what's going on in your head." Erin said.

"I can't think straight. Everything aches and I feel so alone. He's dead and he's never coming back. I still need him, it's not fair Erin." Eddie said in a frustrated tone of voice.

Erin reached out and rubbed Eddie's blanket covered back, in an attempt to soothe her. "I'm at a loss too. I don't understand why he was targeted or why he died. Dad's trying to keep himself composed, but at night he cries, alone in his room." Erin said.

"I have nightmares every night. I wake up drenched in sweat and I can't move my body, because I am frozen in fear. I watch him die over and over and over and I can't change anything." Eddie said.

Eddie came out from under the blankets, and nearly jumped off the bed to wrap her arms around Erin. "Whoa! Let me sit next to you on the bed Eddie." Erin said.

Erin climbed into Jamie's old bed and sat next to Eddie, wrapping her arms around her and letting her cry into her side. She was comforting this strong woman who, she had without a doubt in her mind, believed would have one day been her sister in law. "It hurts... I ache." Eddie struggled with words.

"I know sweetie. I feel your pain. Stay the night, I will too. You shouldn't drive home or be alone, when you are like this." Erin said

"Would..." Eddie couldn't finish her sentence.

"Dad would be fine with it. I'll stay in Joe's room across the hall, and Nicky can take my old room. If you need me in the night, I will be here." Erin offered.

"Thank you Erin. For everything..." Eddie trailed off.

Erin got up from the bed and gently kissed Eddie's forehead, before leaving the room. Eddie checked the dresser and wasn't at all surprised to find some of Jamie's clothes. 'He must have spent nights here recently.' Eddie thought as she dressed herself in a pair of his boxers and one of his NYPD long sleeved shirts. She crawled back into his old bed and under the covers, slowly drifting off to sleep, and more nightmares.


	4. Healing

2 weeks later Eddie moved into Jamie's apartment. She had explained to Frank that she wanted to live there, because she had always enjoyed Chinatown. She was eating regularly with the Reagan's every Sunday, becoming an unofficial Reagan herself. They had all acknowledged that she would have become a Reagan, if Jamie were still alive. She sat in Jamie's seat and slowly each week she started to eat more. She was slowly regaining the weight she had lost. "Can you pass the carrots?" Eddie asked Erin.

"Sure sweetie." Erin said as she passed them to her.

"How's uncle Jamie's apartment? Is Chinatown really busy and exciting?" Nicky asked.

"It's a little lonely without Jamie there. I think he made the apartment feel alive and cozy, when I visited him there when we were partners. You should stay the weekend, and we can shop in Chinatown for fashion scarves and Chinese coin purses." Eddie suggested.

"That sounds great. I just have to check my school schedule, but if next weekend works for you, I think I'm available." Nicky said.

"That's perfect. I have next weekend off. Erin you're welcome to stay too. We can have a girls weekend. Linda you should join us too. We can even go out for Chinese at Hop Sing's. Jamie used to love it there." Eddie said.

Eddie was emotional, as she remembered a time they ate there and it felt like a date, even though they had been just partners. He had reached out to hold her hand and comfort her, after a stressful day at work. They had saved a child from an abusive situation, and Eddie had cried on his shoulder at the house, because the child had needed the hospital. Jamie had been so supportive and comforting. Oh how she longed for his comforting touch now. "That sounds great Eddie. I haven't had a girls weekend in forever. This will be fun." Linda said and broke Eddie from her inner thoughts.

"If this is too hard for you, we can make it another weekend." Erin said.

"No I want to have you guys over. The apartment is basically the same, with the exception of a few of my things mingled in. Actually to be honest, if you didn't know Jamie had passed away, you would think we were married. The apartment is like the perfect combination of both of us." Eddie said with a slight smile.

"This I have to see. I bet it looks kinda funny. Jamie always kept strange things in his apartment." Danny commented.

"I'll agree with you on that one. Drop Linda off next weekend and you can see the apartment." Eddie said.

The rest of dinner went on as usual and then dessert came. "Tonight we have two favorites. Joe's favorite pie and Jamie's favorite cake." Henry announced.

"I would like a slice of both Pop." Frank said.

"Everyone else?" Henry asked.

Everyone said they wanted a slice of both, because it was flavors both fallen family members enjoyed. Eddie smiled as she took a bite of the cake Jamie loved so much. "Very chocolaty. I really love this cake. I had it once with Jamie to celebrate his birthday early." Eddie said.

"We usually always serve it to him on his birthday, and Joe always got his favorite pie. Lemon meringue and he always loved to eat his meringue first." Frank commented.

"I really love uncle Joe's lemon pie. He was so spoiled." Nicky said.

"That he was, I think he was Dad's favorite." Danny noted.

"I don't play favorites Daniel. I love you all the same." Frank said. "Please pass the tea." Frank said changing the subject.

"Eddie do you need an extra blanket tonight? I have a quilt Mary made, that I can give you to use." Henry offered.

"Thank you. I would really love that." Eddie said, graciously accepting the offer.

Dessert was quite lovely and the tea that washed it down, warm and delightful. Everything was just perfect, when Eddie excused herself to go upstairs to bed. She had filled the room with photos of her and Jamie, wanting to remember him as the amazing man he was. Somehow even the photos made her half happy and half sad. She was still a mess but slowly recovering. She was able to acknowledge that she needed help, and his family was there for her in her recovery process. "I still need you, but I am learning to live with my broken heart Jamie."

Eddie turned on Jamie's iPod and found a few voice memos. She played the first one and smiled, when she realized it was a to-do list. The last item on the list was to pick up flowers for Eddie. "That must have been for my birthday. He was so shy too, when he gave me those flowers."

Eddie played the next one and it was him practicing jokes. 'He's funny.' Eddie thought.

The last note really got her attention though. Jamie was trying to talk about her.

Eddie Janko... What can I say about her? She's bossy and opinionated, she's always hungry and has a huge appetite. Me, I wouldn't have her any other way. I love her, and it kills me that I don't have the courage to tell her, I want to be more than partners. If she ever heard this message, I think I would feel so embarrassed, but then I would tell her it's all true and ask her to be my girlfriend. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She is the best partner and I think she will go far in the NYPD. She will do things far greater than I ever imagined, and I hope I can be there by her side as all this happens. Oh Eddie how I long to kiss you again. To feel your soft lips pressed against mine. I love you, and you'll never know how much.

Eddie broke down into very vocal sobs as the memo finished. She had tears streaming down her face, suddenly everything felt cold and even lonelier than before. She turned off the device and got changed into his clothes again. She cried herself to sleep that night, nightmares on pause, because her heart ached too much for her brain to produce any.


	5. The nightmares return

A few weeks later and the nightmares returned. It was the middle of the night after a perfect Sunday dinner at the Reagan's and Eddie was having trouble. She was thrashing around in bed and she let out this awful screaming sound. Frank who was normally a heavy sleeper, woke up at the sound and panicked. 'Who's in my house?' Frank thought, then remembered Eddie was sleeping the night, way down the hall in Jamie's room.

Frank quickly got out of bed and raced down the hall to Jamie's room. He opened the door and saw the most awful sight. His son's partner was in complete distress. He walked over to the bed and gently tried to wake Eddie up. "Eddie sweetheart... Wake up." Frank said gently shaking her.

She wouldn't wake up, so he tried applying more force to his ministrations. "Eddie please wake up." Frank shouted.

Eddie woke up and panicked. She looked around the room and couldn't remember where she was. "Where am I?" She asked.

"Eddie sweetheart you are in Jamie's old room, at my house." Frank answered her.

She immediately latched on to Frank and held him in a death grip. "It was so scary. I couldn't breathe and my chest hurts now." Eddie said.

"Sweetheart, you have to let me go. I'll sit in the chair and we can talk about it if you like." Frank offered.

"No please don't let go." Eddie said and Frank gently rubbed her back.

'This is really affecting her. She is really struggling. I should have her see Dr. Aubrey. She helped me with Joe.' Frank thought, as he slowly let her go and helped her sit up in bed.

Frank poured her a glass of water from the pitcher next to the bed, and she quickly gulped it down, before setting the glass on the side table. "I can't... I can't... Jamie..." Tears fell from her eyes and she closed them, to close out the world.

"Please just relax a few minutes. You can do this. Jamie once told me you were the strongest woman he knew, right after my Mary." Frank said, trying to encourage her.

"He really said that? That doesn't surprise me. He always talks about me. Kara told me that once." Eddie said.

"I've only met Officer Walsh once, but she is a fine cop. Jamie mentioned that you three were all close." Frank said trying to talk about easier things first.

Eddie had settled down a bit and said "Okay I'm ready." She poured herself more water and drank some before talking again. "It was about Jamie, but I gather you know that much already." Eddie said.

"I do, but please continue sweetheart." Frank said in a gentle and fatherly tone.

"He was patrolling and telling me a joke, something about the lights on the street and I laughed. Then I heard this rapid string of bangs and he fell to the ground. I fired back and shot his killer and the other people ran away. Protocol says to call it in and catch the remaining perps, but I didn't want to leave him. He... I didn't want him to die alone. Only this time in my dream, he died slowly and painfully, as he bled out on the street and me. The bus got held up and they were too late to save him. He spat up blood and then died and I was covered in his blood." Eddie was totally shaken up by the nightmare.

"Oh Eddie... I'm so sorry. That sounds just awful. I remember when Joe first died, I had terrible nightmares like this." Frank said.

"What did you do?" Eddie asked, as she drank more water.

"I talked to someone. I think I still have her number. Her name is Dr. Aubrey Smith, and she really helped me work through all my feelings. All my anger and hurt, the pain of waking up and knowing he wasn't there anymore. The nightmares, they stopped after 2 months of sessions with her. I think you should make an appointment sweetheart. It could really help you. I can take the day off and go with you if you like, anything for my daughter-in-law." Frank said.

"But I'm not..." Eddie started but was shushed. "You're as good as. You and I both know Jamie would have married you." Frank said.

"Okay. If you think it will help, I will talk to someone." Eddie agreed. "How did you hear me? Jamie once told me you were a heavy sleeper ,and only crime woke you up at night." Eddie asked.

"You would be right about that. I'm a heavy sleeper, but tonight was different. Jamie must be with us, because I heard you and that could only be because of him." Frank replied.

Eddie reached out and hugged Frank, before snuggling back down into bed. Frank tucked her in and kissed her forehead. "Try and get some more sleep. If you are not well in the morning, I can pull a few strings for you and get you the day off." Frank offered.

"Thanks Frank." Eddie said.

Frank left the room, and Eddie slowly drifted off to sleep, her talk with Frank having helped give her a bit of peace for the moment.


	6. Therapy is my friend

True to his word, Frank had taken the whole day off, just to be with Eddie on the day of her appointment. They had decided to go out to lunch and eat something together, before her appointment with Dr. Aubrey. "Eddie how's your burger?" Frank asked.

"It's good but it doesn't taste the same. I think they changed something." Eddie was upset about this.

"Sweetheart it's been the same burger as always. I think your taste buds have changed since Jamie passed away. You are doing something called active palate blocking. It's where someone blocks out tastes and foods they love, because they had it in common with someone who passed away." Frank explained.

"That makes a lot of sense. Jamie and I used to get the NYC underground burger all the time, here at Metro Burger. Now that he is gone it tastes so different and foreign." Eddie commented.

"That will pass in time, as you learn to keep your memories close, but move on." Frank said.

"Move on... Move on?! I don't want to. I don't want to move on." Eddie was very decisive about this.

"Just wait until you get talking to Dr. Aubrey. She'll help you work through all your feelings and thoughts." Frank said.

They finished their lunch, and then it was time to go to the appointment. "I said I would go in there the first time, if you needed me sweetheart." Frank said offering to her again his offer.

"I would really like that. I'm sure next time I will be more comfortable. Is DCPI Moore mad that you took the day off?" Eddie asked, as they arrived at the building.

"He was, but I explained to him that it was special circumstances, and that I wasn't about to let my daughter-in-law brave it alone." Frank replied.

"But I'm not really..." Eddie tried to say but Frank hushed her. "I told you weeks ago you're as good as, so just accept it sweetheart and enjoy our big family." Frank said.

Eddie smiled at his words, and gently wrapped her arm around his bigger and stronger one, as they walked into the building for her appointment. "Who are you here to see?" the receptionist asked.

"Dr... Dr. Aubrey Smith." Eddie replied nervously.

"Please take a seat over on those chairs. She will be finished her appointment soon, and come to get you for yours." the receptionist said.

Eddie went to sit with Frank and she was all jittery in her seat. She was tapping her foot nervously and Frank picked up on this. "She's British." he said.

"Huh?" Eddie said confused.

"The doctor, she's British. She has this really neat accent and I think you will like it." Frank clarified, trying to keep her calm.

"I love accents. Jamie always said I had a bit of an accent, because I'm part Serbian. I can't see it, but I always agreed with him, to make him smile. Boy did he ever, his smile could light up the room." Eddie commented.

"Yours too. I can see why my Jamie loved you. You are such an amazing woman." Frank said.

"I'm not really all that special." Eddie said, waving her hands awkwardly in front of her dismissively.

"Yes you are. You are very special to Jamie, and to me as well, because you kept him safe and made him smile during the time of your partnership. I haven't seen him smile like that, since Joe passed away. You brought the light back to his eyes." Frank noted.

"I did all that? I never knew. To me his smile was just always there, since the day we met. So I never knew that he was suffering, or that he wasn't smiling as brightly before me." Eddie said.

"Edit Janko." the receptionist called out.

"Here." Eddie said and got up to follow her to the office. "You're still coming with me right?" Eddie was so nervous and already close to tears.

"Yes I am." Frank said and wrapped an arm protectively around her, as they walked into the office.

The office was really nice inside. There was a long couch and a chair, with a table in front of the couch. The table had flowers on it and a box of tissues, as well as a dish of mints. There was a garden outside the window and a fountain. Everything was beautiful and it left Eddie in awe. "Hello Frank. Long time. How are you?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

"I'm good. My son Jamie just passed away a month and a half ago. I'm struggling, but my previous sessions helped when I dealt with Joe. I know I will be okay. I'm actually here with this lovely lady. She was my son's partner at the NYPD, and she is really struggling with his death." Frank replied.

"So Eddie why don't you both have a seat, and we can get started." Dr. Aubrey said.

Eddie and Frank took a seat on the couch, and Dr. Aubrey sat across from them in the chair. She smiled at Eddie and said "So what's been troubling you?"

Eddie thought long and hard about it and replied with "His absence. He was always there, and now he isn't. He was my constant, he was there every morning when I went to work, and we had beers all the time after work. I... I loved him."

Eddie cried as she said all of this and Frank reached out to hold her hand. "It's okay sweetheart. Cry if you need to." Frank said and held her hand to comfort her.

"This is common. I get a lot of people in here who fall for their partner or co-worker in many workplaces, and don't know what to do. Most of those people however don't have to go through watching them die. I'm assuming this was the case, since you were partners." Dr. Aubrey said.

"How did she know that?" Eddie asked Frank in a panicked tone of voice.

"She's very smart. She connects the dots very well. Don't worry about anything, just be open and tell her." Frank replied.

"He did die in front of me. I can't get the image out of my head, of the man I love dying right in front of me. I was powerless to stop it and killing his killer, that meant nothing. That did nothing, and I'm so mad. I wish it had been me instead. I wish Jamie was alive and they had shot me." Eddie expressed and she was angry with tears falling down her cheeks.

"That's normal. To wish that the roles were reversed. But think about this for a minute. Would Jamie want you to be dead? How would Jamie feel if you were dead? He felt similar emotions to you and feelings as well. He would be just as upset if it had been you. He would probably be here on this couch instead of you, talking with me." Dr. Aubrey presented her with a scene to think about.

"Oh no... I wouldn't want that at all. I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am. I would feel terrible, because I left him like that." Eddie said.

"Well then be happy he protected you and that he loved you. Focus on the positive things going on. Tell me something positive that happened since his passing." Dr. Aubrey said.

"I've been eating dinner with Jamie's family and sleeping there in his old room, every Sunday. I have been welcomed into this big family, and I really love it. I've always wanted a big family and I finally have it. Frank, the other day, he called me his daughter-in-law. I told him I wasn't and he countered that I was as good as, because we both knew Jamie would have married me. That really touched my heart in so many ways." Eddie explained.

"This is good. I think it is important to have a support system in place. I'm glad you have all the Reagan's and you can count on them. I think the stability of the Sunday dinners will ground you, and help keep you in the now." Dr. Aubrey said.

The rest of the session went well, with Frank adding a few things here and there as well. Eddie felt herself slowly opening up to this woman and she felt a tiny bit lighter. At the end of the session Dr. Aubrey gave her homework. "For the next two weeks, I want you to make a journal. Write down a few good key memories that involve you and Jamie, and we will discuss them at your next appointment." Dr. Aubrey said.

"Okay. I think I can do that. Thank you for the session." Eddie said.

"You're so welcome. I know with time we will get you to a better place, where you will be able to function easier and the pain won't be as deep." Dr. Aubrey expressed.

Eddie left the office and went to the receptionist to make another appointment. "Thanks Aubrey for helping her. It means a lot, that you are helping my daughter-in-law." Frank was genuinely happy, to see a bit more of a smile on Eddie's face.

"It was my pleasure Frank. She has a long way to go, but I can help her. She will feel like her old self in a few months." Dr. Aubrey said, as she looked at Eddie, who had a small smile on her face.


	7. The deeper I dive

A/N: The song Dive by Dennis Sheperd & Sarah Lynn can be enjoyed with this chapter.

Eddie was on route to her next therapy session, when she thought about something Frank had said yesterday.

It was just after Sunday dinner and the pair were having a quiet chat in the study, over a small drink. "I arranged for you to have Monday afternoons off, for your sessions with Dr. Aubrey." Frank said.

"Oh you didn't have to." Eddie said, feeling bad he had gone to all that trouble for her.

"I know. I wanted to, so you could stay consistent with your sessions." Frank insisted.

"Won't that show favoritism?" Eddie questioned.

"I would do that for any of my men in blue. I care about my officers, and I care about you." Frank said, as they finished their drinks.

"I think I'm going to go to bed. I have an early tour tomorrow." Eddie said.

"Rest well. I hope officer Smith is treating you well." Frank said.

"Yes he is. I have Kara too, and she gave him the whole I'm grieving speech. She basically told him to take it easy on me." Eddie said.

"Well then I'm glad. Sleep well sweetheart." Frank said.

"You too Frank." Eddie said and gave him a warm hug, before going to bed.

Tour the next day was something else. Eddie had trouble with her hair, and she had remembered the times that Jamie had fixed her hair. She smiled, as she asked Kara to help her. "Can you help me with my hair?" Eddie asked.

"Are you sure?" Kara replied hesitantly, remembering it was usually Jamie who helped her.

"It's okay. I'll always have my memories of him doing it." Eddie said.

Kara helped her put her hair up in a flat bun, that would tuck easily under her hat. "Thanks Kara." Eddie said.

"Hey what are sisters for. I don't mind helping you." Kara said, as she hugged Eddie.

Over the course of their friendship, they had become like family, just like sisters. Eddie, who had been an only child, had welcomed the comfort and love from Kara, calling them sisters. It had especially helped since Jamie's passing. It was something constant she could count on. "I have to go sweetie. Regetti's waiting for me. I love you, and I hope all goes well this afternoon at your session. Call me after, if you need me for anything." Kara said.

"I promise I will. I love you too. Have a great tour." Eddie said waving her off, before she went to find officer Smith.

The tour was okay, except for the smelly drunk they had picked up. She had rubbed some vick's vapor rub under her nose and offered some to officer Smith. "Thank you." Officer Smith had said, as he took a small dab.

They had brought him in and then tour finished. "I'll see you tomorrow." Eddie said to officer Smith.

"Yes. Great work out there today. I hope you don't mind me saying, but Jamie would be proud of you." Officer Smith said.

"Thank you. That means a lot." Eddie said.

Eddie arrived at the suite where Dr. Aubrey was located. She parked and went in, waiting for her session after checking in. She was deep in thought, when Dr. Aubrey touched her shoulder. "Time for our session Eddie." she said.

Eddie followed her into the office, and had a seat on the couch. She was very nervous about being alone, but she knew if something happened, she had Frank on speed dial. "So what would you like to discuss today?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

"I want to discuss my homework. I want to discuss things in my journal." Eddie said, as she pulled out her journal.

"Let's have a look." Dr. Aubrey said.

Eddie handed her the journal and she took a look. "Very well done. You did a great job." Dr. Aubrey said.

"Thank you. So you wanted me to discuss one specific memory this week. I have one I want to talk about." Eddie nervously said.

"Well let's have it." Dr. Aubrey sat back in her chair and prepared to take notes.

"It was a rainy afternoon and I was visiting Jamie at his apartment." Eddie started her story.

Eddie was sitting on Jamie's window seat, watching the rain pour down the window. The city was drenched and blurry, everything soaked and muddy. People were running for cover under umbrellas and newspapers. Jamie reached out and wrapped her in a blanket. "Thank you." Eddie said. There were two pillows from a bed on the window seat, Eddie figuring he had slept there last night.

It was late in the evening, and they were just sitting together and talking. Eddie stretched out and laid down, getting comfortable under the blankets. Jamie took some of her blanket and covered his legs. "Do you think anyone out there is enjoying the rain?" Eddie asked.

"I'm not sure. I think we are though, because we are here together." Jamie replied.

"Jamie... I... Thank you for inviting me over." Eddie said, stopping herself from telling him her feelings.

'I can't tell him.' Eddie thought.

"I just wanted to see you. To spend time with you." Jamie said.

Jamie laid down and rested his head on the second pillow. He turned his head to face Eddie and look at her. Eddie turned her head and said "What's happening here?" as they both moved closer.

"This." Jamie said and kissed her softly on the lips.

Eddie smiled into the kiss, and savored the feel of his warm lips against her own. They stayed like that, just kissing for a few moments, before breaking apart. When they broke the kiss they just laid there, staring into each others eyes. She reached out hesitantly to grasp his hand, and was happy when he laced their fingers. Jamie was the first to speak. "I love you." Jamie said.

"I love you too." Eddie said back, feeling more confident, since he had said it first.

Eddie was at the end of her story. "So we just laid there for a while, listening to the rain and eventually we fell asleep." Eddie finished.

"What happened after that? Did you two ever go any further, go on a date?" Dr. Aubrey inquired.

"No we couldn't. We were partners at work." Eddie answered.

"I'm sorry about that. I wish you had been able to be more. That was a lovely memory you shared. Keep working on your memories and next time, we will talk more about how to keep your memories close, without getting sad every time you remember." Dr. Aubrey said, as she handed Eddie back her journal.

"Thanks Dr. Aubrey. I really appreciate all your help in this session." Eddie said.

"I think we made a bit more progress. You were more open today." Dr. Aubrey noted.

"Thanks. So I'll see you in two weeks." Eddie said.

"Have a great evening Eddie." Dr. Aubrey said, as Eddie exited her office.

Eddie made her next appointment, and then left back to her apartment in Chinatown.


	8. Can you explain that?

"Let's talk about your thought process. How often do you find yourself thinking about Jamie in a day?" Dr. Aubrey asked mid-session.

"I lost count, but if I had to guess, I would say about 20 plus times a day." Eddie said.

"Can you explain that?" Dr. Aubrey said.

"Everything around me reminds me of him. I can't even ride the metro, without remembering him protecting me from creeps. This one time..." Eddie started to share a story.

Jamie and Eddie were riding the subway, and it was pretty crowded. They were sitting next to each other and this man kept eyeing her. They tried to ignore him, but Eddie could feel his eyes undressing her. "Jamie... he won't stop looking at me. I'm feeling sick." Eddie said and squirmed in his seat.

"Don't worry. Just play along." Jamie whispered.

All of a sudden, without warning, Jamie pulled Eddie onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned his chin on her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "It's almost our stop sweetheart. We have to pay attention, or we might get distracted." Jamie said.

He continued to kiss her cheek and then he turned her face, to kiss her on the lips. The guy finally felt grossed out and moved away from them. "Better?" Jamie asked.

"Thank you Jamie." Eddie said, but didn't move from her seat.

A few stops later, they walked off the subway hand in hand, off to Metro burger.

"And he just pretended to be my boyfriend, like it was no big deal. I couldn't believe it. It was all so sudden and thrilling." Eddie finished.

"Sounds like it. What else reminds you of Jamie?" Dr. Aubrey asked, making notes as Eddie spoke.

"Greeting cards and post-it notes. Those are something that currently makes me cry. I have to avoid the office supplies aisle." Eddie replied.

"That's curious. Why post-its? Those seem like such a simple ordinary object." Dr. Aubrey noted.

"Jamie always used to write cute little messages on post-its, and stick them to the inside of my hat in the morning. It was like a fun little surprise, because I never knew what it would say. I have the last one he ever wrote in my wallet." Eddie said, as she pulled it out carefully to read. "It says 'I love you officer amazing.'." Eddie said and a few tears slipped from her eyes.

She reached for a tissue, as she put it back in her wallet. "So as you can see post-its are hard to see right now. I can't chew gum..." Eddie said.

"Also curious. Can you explain that?" Dr. Aubrey said making more notes.

"I always chewed gum on tour and snapped it, making bubbles. Jamie used to get annoyed by it and made he spit out my gum, unless I promised not to blow bubbles. Now when I snap gum, I cry, so I just avoid it." Eddie explained.

"I'm seeing a lot of avoidance. You avoid common things like gum and note pads, which is not normal. You should be learning to embrace the memories, and not let them hinder you from moving on. You have to start your process, you have to start to move on. I know it's hard, but you must work on it a little." Dr. Aubrey stated.

Eddie felt awful hearing this. She knew she wasn't behaving normally and it killed her, that she was so stuck in this state of pain. "I'm not sure where to begin. Everything still hurts." Eddie said.

"It will for a while yet. For our next session, I want you to try and start the process. I also want you to sign up for something, that you and Jamie didn't have in common. Something new like an art class or perhaps yoga." Dr. Aubrey said.

"How will that help me?" Eddie asked.

"You will be exposed to new experiences and maybe make a new friend or two. Plus it won't be something that reminds you of Jamie." Dr. Aubrey replied.

"I can do that. The precinct offers a sketching class on thursdays. I was always interested, but never had the time. I will give it a try." Eddie said.

"That's it. You are starting to get better already. I will see you again in two weeks." Dr. Aubrey said, as she walked Eddie out.

Eddie was a mess, when she came in the back door of Frank and Henry's house. She surprised Henry, who wasn't expecting her. "What's wrong Eddie dear?" Henry asked.

"The therapist asked me to start my process of moving on. It didn't feel right and I didn't want to be alone tonight. She said I should sign up for a class, like art or fitness. Something I don't have in common with Jamie, so I can start to move on." Eddie replied, as she poured herself a cup of tea and sat at the table.

"That makes sense. Frank has had to move on too. We all have, and it's been hard. He often goes to call Jamie's cellphone, and he remembers that he can't anymore. What class did you have in mind?" Henry was curious.

"The NYPD has a sketching class on thursdays. It's to see if any cops can also double as a sketch artist. Sometimes the beat cops catch a robbery, and we could be also doing the sketch right at the scene, before the witness forgets details." Eddie explained.

"That sounds really interesting. Sounds like a new program. They never had that when I was PC." Henry commented.

"Yes it was just added last year." Eddie said.

"I thought I heard your voice. Is everything alright sweetheart?" Frank asked, as he came into the kitchen.

"Yes, the therapist just asked me to start my moving on process and I felt funny." Eddie replied.

"I'm right there with you Eddie." Frank said.

He gave her a hug and sat next to her at the table. "What should I do?" Eddie asked.

"First of all, you are staying the night, because I don't think you are safe to drive like this, and second we will help you through anything." Frank said.

"That's right. We're family now, and family sticks together through anything." Henry said.

"Family... I always wanted that with Jamie. I got his family, but not with him." Eddie said and tears fell from her eyes.

Henry reached across the table and patted her hand. "Jamie wouldn't want you to be sad. He would want you to smile, to be happy you are alive. To rejoice in each new beautiful day, that you have." Henry said.

"I know, I am just struggling to find the joy and happiness in my life, without him." Eddie said.

"In time, you will be able to smile easier, to do certain things you had in common easier. Now may not be that time, and that's okay. Dr. Aubrey taught me, that you have to move at your own pace, while still trying to move." Frank explained.

Eddie let Frank's words sink in, as they all sat and finished off their teas.

Eddie went upstairs to the familiar room, with the familiar smell and cried herself to sleep again, knowing tomorrow she would have to move on.


	9. Moving on Try art class

Eddie tried so hard, to do as Dr. Aubrey had said, but she couldn't completely do it. She joined the sketching class, and found she had the talent to double as a sketch artist. 'Jamie would be proud of me.' Eddie thought to herself, as she sat in her class.

It was a small group, but each cop was learning to develop their skills, so they could be great sketch artists. Eddie was working today at drawing someone, just from description alone. They had a woman in and she was describing the person who stole her purse. This was perfect for Eddie, as she had an attention for detail. She listened intently as the woman described his eyes and nose. 'I got this.' Eddie thought confidently.

She sketched in the man's eyes and nose, shaping them the way she felt they would look. Next the woman described the man's mouth and Eddie sketched it in. Eddie drew the chin in and the mustache the lady said he had, then she finished with hair and the scar above the right eye. "Everyone finish your sketches and turn them in." The instructor said.

Eddie polished her sketch and turned it in. "You did a great job officer Janko. You're a natural. " The instructor said.

"Thank you. I was surprised to learn I had the talent for this. I think the Commissioner is really improving the NYPD." Eddie said.

"He really is. This is a great program. I am glad to be able to teach the classes." The instructor said.

Eddie said goodbye to the other officers, then left for her apartment. They were asked to practice sketching at home, and work on eye, nose and mouth shapes. Eddie seemed to be struggling with her sketching at home. She could only seem to draw Jamie outside of class.

Eddie got back to her apartment in Chinatown and she opened the fridge. She grabbed left over chinese food from last night and ate it cold. She had ordered in from Hop Sing's, because the food would always taste good with or without Jamie. She munched on the food, as she started to sketch.

Eddie worked hard on her sketch, and purposed to sketch anything but Jamie this time. She was about halfway done, when she realized she was sketching Frank. She smiled to herself, and continued to finish her sketch. 'Maybe I'll frame this and bring it to Sunday dinner.' Eddie thought to herself. She finished her sketch and her food, before going to bed.

A few days later, it was time for Sunday dinner. Eddie was so nervous, because she would be giving her sketch to Frank at dinner. Erin greeted her in the kitchen and said "How was your week?"

"Good. I had another sketching class this week. The instructor thinks I'm a natural. Say hello to the newest sketch artist." Eddie said.

"That's great. I see Dad's new program paid off. Is that for him?" Erin asked.

"Yes it is. I drew it on thursday." Eddie replied.

"Dad will be thrilled that the program was a success so close to home." Erin commented.

"What was a success?" Danny said as he came into the kitchen and gave Eddie a quick hug.

"Frank's sketching class program. I'm going to double as a sketch artist. The instructor thinks I've got what it takes." Eddie said.

"That's great. I'm actually really proud of you." Danny said.

"I have this feeling Jamie would be too. He always thought my hidden talent, was being able to put away so much food. Oh to tell him I have this." Eddie said.

"He'd be real proud." Erin said.

They brought the food into the dining room, and sat down, waiting for Frank and Henry to arrive.

When Frank arrived, Eddie went over and handed him a wrapped flat package. "What is it?" Frank asked.

"You have to open it to find out." Eddie said.

Frank opened it and saw that it was a sketch of himself. He was very surprised, as he turned it around to show everyone. "I'm in the sketch class. The instructor has been telling me, that I'm perfect to double as a sketch artist." Eddie said.

"Grandpa does this mean your new program was a success? Will aunt Eddie be able to be a sketch artist as well?" Nicky asked.

Lately the younger Reagan's had been calling her aunt Eddie, and while it made her smile and she didn't mind, it made her long for Jamie. "Yes it does Nicky. I'm so proud of you sweetheart. When I started the program, I never imagined anyone in the family would be so successful. I really love this sketch. I'm going to hang it in my study." Frank replied.

Nicky said grace, and then they all tucked into dinner. Dinner time conversation was mild today, with the only highlight being Eddie's news, about the sketching class. Dessert had been something Eddie would never forget. Henry had baked her favorite cake, and they all had a slice. "Thank you Henry. Eddie said, as she took a bite of the cake.

"Anything for my granddaughter. I wanted to try and cheer you up. You had a rough week." Henry said.

"It means a lot, all of you looking out for me. Jamie would be so happy, that all of you welcomed me in, with such wide open arms." Eddie said.

"You're our family aunt Eddie." Jack said.

"Yeah and we really like you." Sean added.

"Thanks boys." Eddie said.

Dinner finished and Eddie said goodnight to everyone, before going upstairs. She put on Jamie's NYPD long sleeve shirt again and crashed out, thinking only of Jamie and his beautiful face.


	10. I'm moving on Are you happy?

Eddie had her next therapy session today, and a present for Dr. Aubrey. A whole month had gone by since the Sunday dinner, she had given Frank his sketch. She followed Dr. Aubrey into her office, and sat on the couch. "How are you doing Eddie?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

"Fine. I'm moving on like you asked. Are you happy?" Eddie replied.

"That was supposed to be for your benefit not mine. I don't understand, why you believe that would make me happy." Dr. Aubrey said.

Eddie reached out and said "Here.", thrusting a wrapped package at the Doctor.

"Thank you." Dr. Aubrey said, as she took the gift from Eddie.

Dr. Aubrey opened the gift and was surprised to stare at a sketch of herself. "You drew this?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

Eddie was so angry inside, because she had found this amazing talent and couldn't tell Jamie about it. "I'm in the NYPD sketch class. It's a new program to try and train cops to double as a sketch artist." Eddie said.

"I'll hang it on my wall. I have a blank space, because I was debating ordering in some new art." Dr. Aubrey said, and got up to place it on the hook. "It looks great. Thank you Eddie. You are very talented." Dr. Aubrey complimented.

"I can't... I can't tell Jamie. He would be so proud of me, and I can't celebrate with him, or tell him or anything." Eddie said, as a few tears slipped from her eyes.

"Well who else have you told?" Dr. Aubrey asked, trying to direct the conversation away from Jamie.

"I told my sister Kara, and also Jamie's family. His Dad is the police commissioner. He's the one who started the program, and he was so happy that the program was successful, so close to home." Eddie replied.

"That's good. Are the Sunday dinner's still helping?" Dr. Aubrey asked, as she jotted down a few notes.

"Yes they are. They call me aunt Eddie now, the younger Reagan's, and it's really cute. Jamie... I wish he could enjoy all this with me. I'm still struggling." Eddie replied.

"Describe a good day." Dr. Aubrey instructed.

"Let's see... a good day would be at work. I'm distracted from Jamie, because I have to focus on the streets and searching for trouble." Eddie described.

"That makes total sense. Now describe a bad day." Dr. Aubrey instructed.

"A bad day would be... a day off. I'm at the apartment, and I will keep thinking about him. I will spend the whole day in bed sometimes, depressed and refusing to do my day." Eddie described.

"That's normal for people in your shoes. I think you are definitely progressing. We've been working together for about two and a half months now, and I feel like you are doing quite a bit better." Dr. Aubrey noted.

"I do feel more peaceful. At first I was having constant nightmares, but those dwindled and now it is only once or twice a week. I think I am learning to make peace with his death now. This has been the hardest thing for me to do. I feel like I am giving up a piece of my heart. I can feel this hole and it aches." Eddie explained.

"That void or hole may never be filled, but eventually it won't hurt anymore. You will feel a sense of peace and calm, when thinking of it." Dr. Aubrey said.

"So how do you feel about being a cop? Do you have days where you wish you weren't?" Dr. Aubrey asked next.

"I have always loved it. When I get certified to be a sketch artist, I will get a slight pay raise. I don't want to quit being a cop. It helps me to stay grounded, gives me something to look forward to and gives me goals to accomplish." Eddie replied.

"That's good. Now I want you to share a memory of you and Jamie at work." Dr. Aubrey said.

This confused Eddie, as she thought the doctor was trying to get her to think less about Jamie. "Okay... Well one afternoon, we were eating shaved ice, when we got a call and had to respond. I had really enjoyed laughing and smiling, just leaning against the squad car with him, eating our shaved ice." Eddie said.

"That sounds like fun. What else can you remember about that moment?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

"I had asked him why we always got a call when I was eating, and he had said it was because I was always eating. Now that I think about it, he was right. I am always eating." Eddie replied.

"That's really humorous. Sounds like you two had a lot of fun times together. Now how did you feel when talking about this memory?" Dr. Aubrey asked, as she jotted down notes.

"I felt comfortable. Like I could talk about him, without getting emotional. I feel better about talking about him now." Eddie replied.

Eddie was surprised she hadn't cried, when sharing the memory, but if she had to guess as to why she hadn't, she would say it was growth. She figured she was growing, and learning to be okay and to remember without getting emotional. Eddie loved that her sessions were paying off, and were really helping her.

The session continued for another 15 minutes, before Dr. Aubrey checked her watch. "Well that's time. Over the next two weeks, I want you to continue your art class, but also make a list of things you are interested in, that you and Jamie don't have in common." Dr. Aubrey said.

"I can do that. I'm assuming, that my next project is to pick one of those things, and pick it up as a hobby." Eddie said.

"You'd be correct. Think long and hard after you've made your list, because it could be the next hobby, that really helps you have a big breakthrough." Dr. Aubrey said as she walked Eddie out of the office.

"Same time two weeks." Eddie said and smiled, before going to the receptionist to pencil in her appointment.


	11. Photography class

Another month passed by, and Eddie was back in Dr. Aubrey's office. She had selected a nature photography class from her list. She had chosen this, after the doctor said she had good attention to detail for it. She had purchased a Canon digital camera, and a camera bag along with a few lens. The camera was refurbished, but she didn't care. She enjoyed it anyways. "So I found a photography class. The class was reasonably priced and my camera wasn't too expensive either. When I am better, please let me gift you with art for your office again." Eddie said.

"I would love that. If you intend to sell your work later, I will tell my other doctor friends. They are always looking for art for their offices and waiting rooms." Dr. Aubrey said.

"Thank you. It might be fun." Eddie said.

"Okay so tell me how the class is going. I'm assuming you've been to one or two so far." Dr. Aubrey said.

"Yes I have. They are going well. I'm just learning the basic techniques, and how to use the features of my camera, but I'm soaking it all up like a sponge." Eddie said.

"That's good. I felt you had the attention to detail for photography, so let's see in the coming weeks, if I was right. How is the process to be certified as a sketch artist coming along." Dr. Aubrey asked.

"Good as well. I have a few more classes, just to make sure I am really ready for it, then I can be certified. The extra money I make will help fund my photography." Eddie answered.

"How was your week? Did you have any nightmares? Did you think of Jamie?" Dr. Aubrey asked.

"Not as much as say a month ago. Now I usually only think or talk about him around his family, but that's a given. The nightmares are completely gone. I close my eyes and I can't see him during the day. I'm unsure if this is a good thing or not. I feel like I shouldn't completely move on. Like I want to hold on to a small part of him." Eddie replied.

"That is actually okay. Many people can't move on completely, but they get to a point in their life, where they can forgive and let go. You are at that phase, and it is time to forgive the men who killed him, and to move on from it all. Once you do that, it will be easier to talk about Jamie, and remember him, because you will only remember good memories." Dr. Aubrey said.

"What can I do to forgive them?" Eddie asked.

"Find a quite place, and just be still. Remember the men who did this and just say 'I know what you did was wrong, but I forgive you. I won't continue to be angry, because of what you did.'. Release the anger and the sadness, and all the emotions stored up from this." Dr. Aubrey said.

"I really want to do this. So how would you say my progress is?" Eddie asked.

"I would say after your next visit, we can have our meetings be only once a month. You've come really far." Dr. Aubrey replied, as she jotted down a few notes.

"Really? I'm actually really proud of myself. I know that Jamie would be too. He would want me to be happy." Eddie said.

"Yes that's it exactly. Everyone wants you to be happy, so don't feel bad for moving on, and getting on with your life. If people can't understand that, or they think you should be stuck in your grief and sadness, then they really don't understand or care about you." Dr. Aubrey said.

"That makes a lot of sense. His family has been very supportive, they always tell me if I meet someone else, that they will be okay with it. My heart belongs to Jamie, and it always will. There's no one else." Eddie said.

"I think it's okay to feel that way. Maybe one day you will feel differently, or you could feel that way for the rest of your life. You're still young, so for now just enjoy your life, and everything will fall into place." Dr. Aubrey said.

They finished the session out, with Eddie sharing a few more memories involving Jamie. "That's good for today. You did great work. I look forward to seeing you in two weeks, and to seeing your beautiful photography. You are a remarkable young woman, and I know everything will be okay for you." Dr. Aubrey said.

Eddie reached out and for the first time since starting therapy, she hugged Dr. Aubrey. This greatly surprised the doctor, but nevertheless she hugged Eddie back. "Thank you for all your help. You have changed my life for the better, and I wouldn't be here right now, without you." Eddie acknowledged.

"Oh Eddie you're quite welcome. It has been a pleasure to help you along your path to healing." Dr. Aubrey said, as she opened the door.

Eddie walked through the door and into the hall. Her and the doctor walked down the hall to the waiting room, and Eddie scheduled her next appointment. When Eddie left she waved and smiled at Dr. Aubrey.

"You know Samantha... That's the first time I've seen her genuinely smile." Dr. Aubrey said to the receptionist.


	12. Sweet surrender

A/N: The song Sweet Surrender by Ira &Gemma Pavlovic can be enjoyed with this chapter.

It was a beautiful Saturday morning, and Eddie was in the kitchen cooking eggs and bacon. She had just finished the bacon, and was boiling her eggs. Jamie couldn't stand them that way, so she started eating that way, to move on. It had been months since she started therapy, and the sessions had been once a month now, just to check on her and make sure she was okay.

She was so focused on the boiling water, that she never heard the door unlock or the footsteps on the wood floor. She did however see something move out of the corner of her eye when they got to the kitchen. She looked and yelped. She burned her hand, the hot water from the pot burning her wrist. She whimpered in pain and said "Jamie? No it can't be."

Jamie heard his own name, said by her and it triggered him. He started remembering things and suddenly he said "Eddie what are you doing in my apartment?"

"Your apartment?! I live here." Eddie replied as she ran her wrist under cool water.

Eddie was so dizzy, because she believed she wasn't really talking to Jamie and she was hallucinating. "I'm just hallucinating. Dr. Aubrey said this happens sometimes. I will call her and schedule an emergency appointment Monday." Eddie said and ignored Jamie.

Jamie wanted to treat her wrist. To fix her, that felt normal. He wanted to make her pain go away. She still believed however that he was all in her head. Hallucinating as she kept saying.

She went back to cooking and found him still sitting there. "Well since you won't go away, will you have breakfast with me?" Eddie asked.

"I don't know where you'd like me to go... I live here." Jamie said grumpily.

Eddie served them both breakfast, and they sat on the stools at the island. Jamie ate the hard boiled egg and said "When did you start eating your eggs like this?"

"For your information, I started to do this to move on. I don't know why I'm even talking to you and entertaining the hallucinations. Dr. Aubrey said this is bad and is a sign of serious delusion." Eddie said.

'I have to show her that I am real. I have to find a way to make her see that I'm alive and right next to her.' Jamie thought as he ate more of his breakfast.

Eddie turned and watched her false Jamie eat breakfast with her and smile. 'I must be sicker than I thought. I hope I don't need a mental institution.' Eddie thought as she finished her breakfast.

Jamie finished and said "Thanks for breakfast. I really enjoyed it. You are a great cook."

"Thanks. I don't know why you are complimenting my cooking, since you didn't really eat it." Eddie said.

"That's enough." Jamie said in a frustrated tone of voice.

He grabbed her wrists and kissed her hard. She squeaked into the kiss, but then melted. 'Now I'm kissing him. I have gone overboard. This is the deep end.' Eddie thought.

Jamie kept kissing her and suddenly she broke the kiss and yelped. "That hurt's Jamie." Eddie said. 'Wait I felt that. He squeezed my wrist too hard. Oh my gosh I just kissed Jamie.' Eddie thought.

"I'm so sorry. I was caught up in trying to make you realize I was really here." Jamie said.

Eddie held her wrist and hissed in pain. "Let me fix it. Please let me fix it." Jamie pleaded.

Eddie was so scared, because Jamie was right there, when he was supposed to be dead. Her head was spinning and she didn't understand what was going on. "The first aid kit is..." Eddie was interrupted.

"I know where it is. This is my apartment after all." Jamie said with a slight chuckle.

There was the humor she had missed. 'Hopefully after he will explain everything.' Eddie thought.

Jamie came back to the island and said "Let's go over to the window seat. It'll be easier to do there."

"Okay." Eddie said and together they walked over to and sat on the window seat.

Jamie opened the kit and quickly cleaned the burn, before applying a cooling salve. He then applied a gauze square and wrapped it in gauze wrapping, before taping it with fabric medical tape. "There all better." Jamie said, as he placed a kiss on her wrapped wrist.

"Explain." Eddie said.

"Well when you wrap a burn, it helps..." Jamie was interrupted.

"Not that, I know that. Please explain what happened from the shooting until now." Eddie clarified.

"Oh that... Well I actually don't remember much. I only remembered my apartment a month ago, but I wasn't ready to be released from the hospital yet. They released me last night, and I spent all night in a diner, waiting for the subway to start the morning route. The doctor told me I had amnesia and that I couldn't remember anything, because I had hit my head pretty hard. I tried to remember my name but couldn't. They renamed me and called me James Fletcher." Jamie explained.

"How did you survive and how did you remember your name?" Eddie asked.

"When I got into the ambulance I was dead, but they shocked me and got a faint pulse, as I was later told. They quickly got me blood and worked fast to save me. The surgery was successful, but I couldn't remember anything. When they came to collect my body, the hospital had none to give them, so I guess... I don't know who's buried at the cemetery." Jamie scratched his head after he replied.

"And your name?" Eddie asked.

"I remembered about 4 months after the accident. I suddenly said to the doctor that my name was Jamie and he said he was glad I had finally remembered my own name. He said that was major progress." Jamie replied.

"So they called you James Fletcher huh? That's kinda cute. Your full name is Jamison, I remember you telling me that a long time ago. I actually think James makes sense in a way, because it is a short form of Jamison. In some way the doctor's knew." Eddie said with a smile.

"You know what, I think they did." Jamie said.

He put the kit on the floor and gathered her up into his arms and wrapped the comforter around them. Eddie suddenly started crying into Jamie's shirt. "Please don't... Please don't ever leave me again." Eddie said.

She pushed Jamie down, flat on his back and crashed her lips against his. Tears fell onto his cheeks as she kissed him, with a passion he had never felt before. She tangled their legs and laced their hands. as she continued to kiss him. Jamie felt her fear, and this sadness seep out of her. He broke the kiss. "Eddie... shh... it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. I promise I'll always be with you." Jamie reassured her.

Eddie kissed him again, then curled up under the blanket with him. Together they fell asleep, happy and thankful to be reunited.


	13. Mystery dinner guest

It was Sunday and Eddie was going to Frank's house for dinner. She had called earlier and said she was bringing a mystery guest. Frank had been curious, but said that was okay. "Aunt Eddie is bringing a mystery guest to dinner. I hope it's not a new boyfriend. I think she was meant for uncle Jamie." Nicky said.

"Yeah. I want her to be our aunt, and not be a part of someone else's family." Sean said.

"I agree." Jack said.

"Guys if your aunt meets someone and decides to date them, there is nothing we can do about that." Danny said.

"I know, I just hope it's not for a while. I don't want to lose her as our aunt." Nicky said.

"Nicky that's not going to happen. Your aunt loves all three of you, and she won't leave you. She loves being your aunt." Erin said.

"Boys it's going to be okay, no matter who your aunt brings to dinner. For all we know, it could be officer Walsh, your aunt's sister." Linda reassured.

Throughout the process, they had known that Eddie and Kara had become sisters. The older cop, being about Jamie's age, adopting her and taking care of her. Everyone had been so glad to hear this, when Eddie had told them. "She said she will be here in 5 minutes. Everyone get to the table, and help bring the food while you're at it." Linda instructed.

Everyone got dinner to the table and found their seats. An extra chair was added on the end next to Eddie's chair, and everyone couldn't help but feel uneasy about this. "Eddie just texted me that she's here. She said she wants us all to close our eyes, and wait for her to bring her guest into the dining room." Erin said.

"Seems like an odd request. Let's just indulge her." Frank said.

Everyone closed their eyes, while Eddie came in through the kitchen. She instructed Jamie to sit down and then took her seat. "Everyone please open your eyes." Eddie said.

Everyone opened their eyes again, and were all shocked at what they saw. Nicky was the first to speak, "Uncle Jamie? Is that you?" She asked.

"Yes it's me. I remember when you were little, you always had me braid your hair. Erin loves tulips on mother's day, because they remind her of Mom. Dad loves to do the crossword with Grandpa. Danny always gets called during sunday dinner, about his current case." Jamie said.

"Holy crow... It's really him, but how?" Danny said.

"Amnesia." Eddie replied.

"I survived the shooting but had amnesia. I couldn't remember my name or my family or anything. A month ago I remembered my apartment and Eddie. 4 months ago I remembered my name. And two weeks ago I remembered everything about you guys." Jamie said.

He got up from his seat and went over to Frank's chair. "I'm so sorry Dad. I feel terrible that all this happened." Jamie said.

Frank reached out and gave him a big bear hug. Frank got a little chocked up, "I'm glad you're okay. That you're alive." he said.

"With everything that happened to Joe, I was worried when I remembered my family, that I had deeply hurt you. Having to say goodbye to two of your children." Jamie said.

"It wasn't goodbye after all. Jamie I love you son." Frank said.

Jamie went over to Danny next and gave him a brotherly hug. "I missed you, but don't tell anyone I said so." Danny said.

He hugged Linda and then Jack and Sean, followed by Nicky and then Grandpa. When he got to Erin she was in tears. "I thought I had lost you like Joe. I wasn't prepared... I couldn't handle losing another brother... losing you, it broke me." Erin said.

Jamie reached out and hugged her. She cried into his shoulder and Jamie rubbed her back. "I love you Erin. I'm sorry." Jamie said.

"I love you too Jamie. Please don't scare us like that again." Erin said.

Jamie took his seat and Nicky said "Aunt Eddie, thank you for bringing uncle Jamie back."

"You're welcome." Eddie said, getting up from the table.

Eddie was prepared to walk out the room, when Jack and Sean spoke up. "Where are you going aunt Eddie?"

"Yeah. You aren't leaving are you?"

"No. I'm just getting a glass of water." Eddie said, and smiled as she walked into the kitchen.

She knew she had missed Jamie for a long time, but that it was a good thing she hadn't completely moved on. She knew her heart would always belong to him, and that he really didn't mind one bit.

Eddie walked back in a few minutes later, with a glass of water and sat back in her seat. "Jamie why don't you say grace." Frank said.

"Okay. Bless us oh lord..." Jamie said grace and finally everything was the way it should be.


End file.
